Time to Try and Heal

I was going through some boxes in my office, and I found it. I found the last journal that Aaron was actively a part. It was the one that detailed the break-up, the real pain I felt afterwards. But it was inconsistent, not like I was when I was in high school. I need to write more. I find it a litle unsettleing that I wrote endlessly about my pain with Jeremy, and the pain of Aaron not liking me in the beginning, and yet, when I was going through REAL heartache, not much. But is was nice to read that I had at least verbally written how much I missed him. At least of first. For about four entires, then I just stop wrting about him. I am thinking that is when I pushed away the pain, focused on other things like college. For a long time there I was convinced I was fine.

About a year and half after we broke up, I wrote an entry about how I was over him, that going through his box, I felt nothing. And that was the key word, I felt nothing. I had detached from the emotion of Aaron. And another year later it all came back in renewed strength. But reading those words, reading my raw pain and knowing what I feel now, the pain that resurfaced is not as crippling as it was then. "I can't lose him as a friend. That will kill me. He has been too much in my life to lose. I still need him." Then I was hurt over losing my boyfriend, now, I hurt over losing my friend. One I can never fix, the other I can only hope.

I just have to let and stop waiting. I have done all I can.

Eyes to the future

So my first semester in grad school is coming to an end, and I am glad. One down, 6 more to go. I am ready for my life to begin, the life that I am here hoping to get. I am a little tired of waiting. I am tired of feeling like nothing is real, I can only see the light at the end of tunnel. But that light gives me focus, keeps me here, keeps me on track.

My roommate moved in Friday. It is good to have someone else in this huge house, but it makes me miss Aly. When Gina was moving in all I could think about was what it was like to move in with Aly. Her waking me up by jumping on my bed, her door always being open, sitting on the couch with her. I am missing her a lot right now. She is the person that represents the life that I should be having. I miss coming home to someone who really loves and cares for me. I miss watching nerd TV with her, going to Wal-Mart at 2am for grocery shopping. I miss my life in Asheville. I miss Asheville and everything that it means.

I am happy here though. I swear. But it does feel like a prison sentence, an obstacle to overcome. But it will be worth it, I would not be here otherwise. I know that I am getting what I need here to help people, to give back something. I am just tired of waiting to get to 30, when I will be in a career that I love, in a place that is home. I lived my entire life working to get there, to the stability, to being balanced and happy. I know that I need to stop living in the future and live in the now. But I am doing this to get to the future, not the now.

I will get there one day though. And that keeps me going in the cold north.

Lose your Mind and Come to your Senses....

So, just a quick overview of that this is.  Last night in my art therapy class we were asked to do a Gestalt exercise.  Gestalt therapy in a were awareness of the body is highly important, and that everyone has the potential for growth and healing.  I like a lot about this therapy in general, but I really liked the art therapy part.  We were given the instructions to think about a relationship in our lives that we were struggling with.  It could be with multiple people or just one.  Then we were asked to draw an abstract representation of that relationship in four different time frames.  We are not allowed to use any recognizable images.  We could use circles and squares but no hearts or flowers, that kind of thing.  We were asked to show that relationship as it was, is now, wished is was, and then what we think that it probably will be.  We were given 20 minutes to do all four and then we talked about them with a partner without ever saying what the relationship.  The point is to talk about the images, what they say, how they make us feel.  Here are mine and the reflection that I gained from this experience.

Wish

Was                                                                    Probably will Be

Is

The bright colors on the left side my partner coined Brighty, the earth tones on the right Earthy, the blue line a vein, and the pink that appears as Pinky.  The type of reflection she made are first, and then I wrote my own reflection about the relationship on the bottom.  I just wanted people to see the power of just dealing with the images and how dead on my partner was about what I was feeling in each image.  She doesn't know me, or my past, so she was just concerned with what the images seemed to say.  It was a conversation with me literally about my images, but really about what that meant for my relationship.  This process allows people to feel safe, they are not talking about themselves, but their art work.  I was amazed at some of the things she picked up on that I had not even been thinking about.

The reflections from me are in italics.  Think of it as a response to my partner.  I never used names, or details, but I was still able to talk about the relationship.

 'Was'

Just looking at Was it could be seen as one entity, but at times it is separate, two entities.  There is a struggle over which one is in the foreground, and which one is the background.  Earthy is solid, weighty while Brighty is freer, lighter and more open.  The bright colors are happy, excited feeling, while Earthy is more calm.

I choose the earth tones because they are more stable, they blend naturally, less volatile.  The colors are stable, the earth.  The brighter colors have more emotion, change without prediction.  And I love spirals.  (Even if I used pronouns, my partner still used her terms!)  At times the two are one, have things in common, then they are separate too, but it is balanced.  The separate part is not bigger than the blended part.   ( I just told her about the personalities of the two blobs without ever talking about the people!)

'Probably Will Be'

This one has balance, a calmness.  The pink is now a part of earthy, but Brighty is no longer reaching.  The vein is still there, but isn't hooked into either, it just is.  There is a light connection between the two, almost like they are just passing by.  And then there is a earthy patch attached, like Earth left it's mark, but Bright is no longer wanting a connection.

Yeah, I know that at some point this is what we will be.  I will have moved on, and I will be happy, but it is my past and will always be present, but not permeating like before in IS.  I actually put the earth color on the be a new entity, but I have already used all my colors.  But now that you say that I know that is true.  that I will always carry his mark.  And that maybe I will find someone like him.  That is a scary thought!

'Is'

Is makes me feel depressed.  The vein is still hooked in one and is reaching to Earthy, while Earthy's is not even connected.  Brighty feels more anxious, there is more uncontrolled lines, few solid parts, very chaotic.  And the vein lightly runs over the whole mass.  And suddenly there is a new color.  Pink.  Is that a new entity?  Yes.  And it is stuck to Earthy, higher than Brighty.  I feel Bright's pain, the longing.  It wants to still be connected, but is not.  But it is not a depressed longing, it is anxious what with the chaotic lines.

That is right.  I feel like I could have placed pinky between him and the vein.  But I don't know if that is true, so I put her with him.  I let the blue go over the bright blob because it is always there, it covers everything up, the lack of connection.

'Wish'

I find it interesting that even in the wish they aren't touching.  Just the blue line connects them.  The size of the two are more equal in size and placement.  There is a balance.  And then there is that darn pink spot!  I feel like I could just rip it off and it would still be fine.

I don't really like pink.  I am fine with her being there, I just really want some type of connection.  I hate feeling that it is one sided, that I am forgotten.  I am not connected to him anymore now.  And for a very long time we were.  I don't want what was, I just still want a tie.

So I learned a lot about my views of this relationship with this, and it made me feel better.  I could talk about me without ever really talking about me.  And she picked up on so much, just by asking me questions about colors, line quality, and placement.  SO cool.  I love my major.

Strings

I opened the flood gates and now I need them to stop.  I have come to some kind of acceptance over Aaron, but now I am grappling with a new feeling.  A feeling of being totally cut off from him.  I found more comfort in knowing that he was out there, that I had a line to him, and now I just have a dangling string to what used to be.  I wanted the string severed so bad two years ago.  It hurt so much to see him.  My body wanted to reach out to him when I knew that I couldn't.  Maybe I am wanting some answers from him.  I want to know if my new understanding of our end is right.  That is something that I will never get.  I just have to realize that we freed each other.  He changed me, changed how I look at the world.  I don't know if that is good or bad yet, at times it is bad, too black and depressing.  But most of the time I feel that it is good.  

It all boils down to me dealing with not knowing anything about his life.  I have accepted my role in the end of relationship, now I have to deal with the fact that we are completely separate now.  I will never know where he is now.  I will never be connected to him.  I just have the dangling string of our past, I need to make a hat and stop weaving a noose.

Here we go.....Off to Neverland

So, I am trying this again.  But this time it will be a little different.  I have spent the last two weeks re-reading every journal entry I could get my hands on.  Everything that I have ever used to express myself in word.  And it was not easy to do at times.  But I have realized a lot about myself and how I see the world.  

I have issues trusting people.  I don't know why, but it was there from the begging, back in 1999.  And then those that I chose to trust left.  Nathan (who came back, and was my fault), Anna, Mary Alys, KC, Jeremy and Britt.  Jerm and britt left the deepest scars.  I have overcome the jerm stuff, Britt, what will always be on my mind.  And then Aaron.  Aaron the first person that I was ever able to be weak and crazy with.  I am struggling a lot with him, with the pain of losing him right now.  He has a new girlfriend, which I shouldn't hate him for.  I dated Danny for what, a month.  But that was a fling, he was a guy who didn't even come close to being Aaron in any way.  There wasn't a spark, I could not see myself loving him.  And then I see Aaron in all these pictures on facebook.

He is happy.  He has friends.  I am happy that he is happy, but I hate that she could get him that happy and I couldn't.  I hate that I am finding myself missing him.  I hate that I feel this way.  But I am also feeling some form of acceptance.  I part of me was hanging onto the hope that we would end up back together somewhere down the line.  Once he figured out what he wanted from life and I was finally able to let go and give him my soul again.  I see that now.  I see that a lot of our problems were because of maturity and circumstance.  I pulled away and so did he.  I just feel like I lost my future all over again.

So I am doing this to go back in the years to come and comment on them.  To tell my younger self what I learned.  I just got done with all the real and live journals.  Now onto starting anew.

A slight Break

I am working for my Dad, have been for about a month.  It is not easy work, but it is work.  We install all of the signs in WalMarts.  It is manual labor, but I have been enjoying it.  It is a new experience for me, working like a man.  But it is very empowering.  I can work just as hard, even harder than some, as Dad's men.  I like that I can work just like they can.

But I have found a house, and I am moving to PA in August!  Now I just have to pack.  I hate packing!!!

Bubbles, Laughter and Sunshine

Thomas Wolfe said that we “can never go home” and in college I used to agree.  Coming back to Wilkes never felt like “home”, it was just he place that my parents lived.  Asheville was home.  It welcomed me every time with an embrace of driving through a mountain and the pulling back to reveal a downtown thriving with people.  People were normal is weird and I don’t fear being a liberal.  But after spending 5 months back in Wilkes, I disagree with Wolfe.

            I have been dealing with a deep depression these last months, something that I thought was just from 1) graduating from college and not finding a job, 2) watching both parents lose their jobs, (thus fearing for my own future) and 3) worrying about getting into Grad school.  And now, with just over two more months of being here, I think that I am “home” one last time. 

            The depression I have felt is the same that plagued me in high school (minus some all literal scars).  Fear of being an adult, of growing up, of having to face this huge world all-alone.  Now I know the truth about my feelings over the last few months.  It is a primordial soup of actually leaving NC (the state that I have grown to love in spite of it’s red instead of blue blood), fear of grad school and if I can survive it (will it be worth it in the end?  A college degree has gotten me nothing.), feeding off of my parents depression on the economy (I knew I had a superpower… I want a new one), and last, the wonders of mental health failing in my own family in a variety of shapes and sizes. 

            Then I spent about a week in Asheville with Kris10 and Aly.  It was a week of wonderful food, laughing, reading, and just simply existing in a world that I do love and belong in. I did something productive for the first time since I finished my grad applications.  I took pictures, and not any pictures, pictures of adults being children.  It has served as a balm to my adulthood fears.  This wonderful creativity has not stopped yet.  Inspiration is still coming, consuming me, pushing me to keep drawing.  I have returned to my roots.  I am using my art as therapy again, using it to calm my fears and letting me know that if I could pull off 4 years of being an art major, (4 years of being told how awful I am) then I can get my masters and a job afterwards.  All I needed was to play with some bubbles in the sunshine with my best friends. 

 

There will be more to come on the new pastels.  So stay tuned.  I might have fallen off the internet-oblivion-cliff, but I back.  I am back fully in spirit and body, and back enough technologically to blog again.