Eyes to the future

So my first semester in grad school is coming to an end, and I am glad. One down, 6 more to go. I am ready for my life to begin, the life that I am here hoping to get. I am a little tired of waiting. I am tired of feeling like nothing is real, I can only see the light at the end of tunnel. But that light gives me focus, keeps me here, keeps me on track.

My roommate moved in Friday. It is good to have someone else in this huge house, but it makes me miss Aly. When Gina was moving in all I could think about was what it was like to move in with Aly. Her waking me up by jumping on my bed, her door always being open, sitting on the couch with her. I am missing her a lot right now. She is the person that represents the life that I should be having. I miss coming home to someone who really loves and cares for me. I miss watching nerd TV with her, going to Wal-Mart at 2am for grocery shopping. I miss my life in Asheville. I miss Asheville and everything that it means.

I am happy here though. I swear. But it does feel like a prison sentence, an obstacle to overcome. But it will be worth it, I would not be here otherwise. I know that I am getting what I need here to help people, to give back something. I am just tired of waiting to get to 30, when I will be in a career that I love, in a place that is home. I lived my entire life working to get there, to the stability, to being balanced and happy. I know that I need to stop living in the future and live in the now. But I am doing this to get to the future, not the now.

I will get there one day though. And that keeps me going in the cold north.

Lose your Mind and Come to your Senses....

So, just a quick overview of that this is.  Last night in my art therapy class we were asked to do a Gestalt exercise.  Gestalt therapy in a were awareness of the body is highly important, and that everyone has the potential for growth and healing.  I like a lot about this therapy in general, but I really liked the art therapy part.  We were given the instructions to think about a relationship in our lives that we were struggling with.  It could be with multiple people or just one.  Then we were asked to draw an abstract representation of that relationship in four different time frames.  We are not allowed to use any recognizable images.  We could use circles and squares but no hearts or flowers, that kind of thing.  We were asked to show that relationship as it was, is now, wished is was, and then what we think that it probably will be.  We were given 20 minutes to do all four and then we talked about them with a partner without ever saying what the relationship.  The point is to talk about the images, what they say, how they make us feel.  Here are mine and the reflection that I gained from this experience.

Wish

Was                                                                    Probably will Be

Is

The bright colors on the left side my partner coined Brighty, the earth tones on the right Earthy, the blue line a vein, and the pink that appears as Pinky.  The type of reflection she made are first, and then I wrote my own reflection about the relationship on the bottom.  I just wanted people to see the power of just dealing with the images and how dead on my partner was about what I was feeling in each image.  She doesn't know me, or my past, so she was just concerned with what the images seemed to say.  It was a conversation with me literally about my images, but really about what that meant for my relationship.  This process allows people to feel safe, they are not talking about themselves, but their art work.  I was amazed at some of the things she picked up on that I had not even been thinking about.

The reflections from me are in italics.  Think of it as a response to my partner.  I never used names, or details, but I was still able to talk about the relationship.

 'Was'

Just looking at Was it could be seen as one entity, but at times it is separate, two entities.  There is a struggle over which one is in the foreground, and which one is the background.  Earthy is solid, weighty while Brighty is freer, lighter and more open.  The bright colors are happy, excited feeling, while Earthy is more calm.

I choose the earth tones because they are more stable, they blend naturally, less volatile.  The colors are stable, the earth.  The brighter colors have more emotion, change without prediction.  And I love spirals.  (Even if I used pronouns, my partner still used her terms!)  At times the two are one, have things in common, then they are separate too, but it is balanced.  The separate part is not bigger than the blended part.   ( I just told her about the personalities of the two blobs without ever talking about the people!)

'Probably Will Be'

This one has balance, a calmness.  The pink is now a part of earthy, but Brighty is no longer reaching.  The vein is still there, but isn't hooked into either, it just is.  There is a light connection between the two, almost like they are just passing by.  And then there is a earthy patch attached, like Earth left it's mark, but Bright is no longer wanting a connection.

Yeah, I know that at some point this is what we will be.  I will have moved on, and I will be happy, but it is my past and will always be present, but not permeating like before in IS.  I actually put the earth color on the be a new entity, but I have already used all my colors.  But now that you say that I know that is true.  that I will always carry his mark.  And that maybe I will find someone like him.  That is a scary thought!

'Is'

Is makes me feel depressed.  The vein is still hooked in one and is reaching to Earthy, while Earthy's is not even connected.  Brighty feels more anxious, there is more uncontrolled lines, few solid parts, very chaotic.  And the vein lightly runs over the whole mass.  And suddenly there is a new color.  Pink.  Is that a new entity?  Yes.  And it is stuck to Earthy, higher than Brighty.  I feel Bright's pain, the longing.  It wants to still be connected, but is not.  But it is not a depressed longing, it is anxious what with the chaotic lines.

That is right.  I feel like I could have placed pinky between him and the vein.  But I don't know if that is true, so I put her with him.  I let the blue go over the bright blob because it is always there, it covers everything up, the lack of connection.

'Wish'

I find it interesting that even in the wish they aren't touching.  Just the blue line connects them.  The size of the two are more equal in size and placement.  There is a balance.  And then there is that darn pink spot!  I feel like I could just rip it off and it would still be fine.

I don't really like pink.  I am fine with her being there, I just really want some type of connection.  I hate feeling that it is one sided, that I am forgotten.  I am not connected to him anymore now.  And for a very long time we were.  I don't want what was, I just still want a tie.

So I learned a lot about my views of this relationship with this, and it made me feel better.  I could talk about me without ever really talking about me.  And she picked up on so much, just by asking me questions about colors, line quality, and placement.  SO cool.  I love my major.

Strings

I opened the flood gates and now I need them to stop.  I have come to some kind of acceptance over Aaron, but now I am grappling with a new feeling.  A feeling of being totally cut off from him.  I found more comfort in knowing that he was out there, that I had a line to him, and now I just have a dangling string to what used to be.  I wanted the string severed so bad two years ago.  It hurt so much to see him.  My body wanted to reach out to him when I knew that I couldn't.  Maybe I am wanting some answers from him.  I want to know if my new understanding of our end is right.  That is something that I will never get.  I just have to realize that we freed each other.  He changed me, changed how I look at the world.  I don't know if that is good or bad yet, at times it is bad, too black and depressing.  But most of the time I feel that it is good.  

It all boils down to me dealing with not knowing anything about his life.  I have accepted my role in the end of relationship, now I have to deal with the fact that we are completely separate now.  I will never know where he is now.  I will never be connected to him.  I just have the dangling string of our past, I need to make a hat and stop weaving a noose.

Here we go.....Off to Neverland

So, I am trying this again.  But this time it will be a little different.  I have spent the last two weeks re-reading every journal entry I could get my hands on.  Everything that I have ever used to express myself in word.  And it was not easy to do at times.  But I have realized a lot about myself and how I see the world.  

I have issues trusting people.  I don't know why, but it was there from the begging, back in 1999.  And then those that I chose to trust left.  Nathan (who came back, and was my fault), Anna, Mary Alys, KC, Jeremy and Britt.  Jerm and britt left the deepest scars.  I have overcome the jerm stuff, Britt, what will always be on my mind.  And then Aaron.  Aaron the first person that I was ever able to be weak and crazy with.  I am struggling a lot with him, with the pain of losing him right now.  He has a new girlfriend, which I shouldn't hate him for.  I dated Danny for what, a month.  But that was a fling, he was a guy who didn't even come close to being Aaron in any way.  There wasn't a spark, I could not see myself loving him.  And then I see Aaron in all these pictures on facebook.

He is happy.  He has friends.  I am happy that he is happy, but I hate that she could get him that happy and I couldn't.  I hate that I am finding myself missing him.  I hate that I feel this way.  But I am also feeling some form of acceptance.  I part of me was hanging onto the hope that we would end up back together somewhere down the line.  Once he figured out what he wanted from life and I was finally able to let go and give him my soul again.  I see that now.  I see that a lot of our problems were because of maturity and circumstance.  I pulled away and so did he.  I just feel like I lost my future all over again.

So I am doing this to go back in the years to come and comment on them.  To tell my younger self what I learned.  I just got done with all the real and live journals.  Now onto starting anew.

A slight Break

I am working for my Dad, have been for about a month.  It is not easy work, but it is work.  We install all of the signs in WalMarts.  It is manual labor, but I have been enjoying it.  It is a new experience for me, working like a man.  But it is very empowering.  I can work just as hard, even harder than some, as Dad's men.  I like that I can work just like they can.

But I have found a house, and I am moving to PA in August!  Now I just have to pack.  I hate packing!!!

Bubbles, Laughter and Sunshine

Thomas Wolfe said that we “can never go home” and in college I used to agree.  Coming back to Wilkes never felt like “home”, it was just he place that my parents lived.  Asheville was home.  It welcomed me every time with an embrace of driving through a mountain and the pulling back to reveal a downtown thriving with people.  People were normal is weird and I don’t fear being a liberal.  But after spending 5 months back in Wilkes, I disagree with Wolfe.

            I have been dealing with a deep depression these last months, something that I thought was just from 1) graduating from college and not finding a job, 2) watching both parents lose their jobs, (thus fearing for my own future) and 3) worrying about getting into Grad school.  And now, with just over two more months of being here, I think that I am “home” one last time. 

            The depression I have felt is the same that plagued me in high school (minus some all literal scars).  Fear of being an adult, of growing up, of having to face this huge world all-alone.  Now I know the truth about my feelings over the last few months.  It is a primordial soup of actually leaving NC (the state that I have grown to love in spite of it’s red instead of blue blood), fear of grad school and if I can survive it (will it be worth it in the end?  A college degree has gotten me nothing.), feeding off of my parents depression on the economy (I knew I had a superpower… I want a new one), and last, the wonders of mental health failing in my own family in a variety of shapes and sizes. 

            Then I spent about a week in Asheville with Kris10 and Aly.  It was a week of wonderful food, laughing, reading, and just simply existing in a world that I do love and belong in. I did something productive for the first time since I finished my grad applications.  I took pictures, and not any pictures, pictures of adults being children.  It has served as a balm to my adulthood fears.  This wonderful creativity has not stopped yet.  Inspiration is still coming, consuming me, pushing me to keep drawing.  I have returned to my roots.  I am using my art as therapy again, using it to calm my fears and letting me know that if I could pull off 4 years of being an art major, (4 years of being told how awful I am) then I can get my masters and a job afterwards.  All I needed was to play with some bubbles in the sunshine with my best friends. 

 

There will be more to come on the new pastels.  So stay tuned.  I might have fallen off the internet-oblivion-cliff, but I back.  I am back fully in spirit and body, and back enough technologically to blog again.

            

Richard Corey....

Emotions have been running high, constantly changing and leaving me exhausted.  My family has been in crisis mode since Wednesday.  That is a long time to be on edge.  Our house seems to have a revolving door for the mass congregation of family that has cloistered under our roof.  It is leaving me with the excitment of being around them, I do honestly enjoy spending time with my extended intimate family, but then the reason for the sudden influx of family surfaces in my mind.  It happens suddenly, the catalysts being a look in his eyes, a quiver in a voice, or a seemlying innocent comment on his part.  

The thing is, I get it.  I completely understand.  the all consuming pain, feeling like there is not way out of a sinking hole.  But I will never forget the shake in my knees as we rode to his house.  My voice was lost in my throat as my feet took me to the door behind my dad.  What will I find in there?  I wanted to turn and run, to hide behind my father and let him deal with it.  I felt like a little girl, wanting her father to protect me from the pain that might be lurking inside.  I could not handle what might have been behind that door.  But there he was, blood still pumping, watching Star Trek.  My heart stopped, I just followed my dad's lead, sat across from his cluttered dinner room table.  I could not look at him, I knew that I would see death staring back at me.  I would see a blank stare where hope was gone.  And I could not handle that.

I love him, and although mom says I have the patient of a saint, it comes reletively easy with him.  And to she him that weak, that... helpless, it shook me.  Body racking sobs from a grown man.  

YES!!!

I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL!!!

I got into grad school, I got into grad school.  Pennsylvania here I come.  Now I just have to found out how much financial aid is going to give me and do the discount essay.

Thanks to Kris10, I am sure that is was her editing that got me in.  YAY, I am leaving Wilkes!!! 

And Away it Goes!

So, I did it today.  I sent in everything needed for grad school.  The application, a 10 page art paper, my portfolio, resume, and transcripts.  (Thanks for all the editing Kris10!!!)  It is all on it's way, zipping through the mail services to PA.  I still have an essay to write, one of those bullshit ones:  Who would I invite to dinner and why things.  It will not determine anything to do with acceptance, but it will give me a discount.  A much needed discount since this is all on me.

I am not worried necessarily, just anxious about the road ahead.  Grad school is going to be hard, I know this.  Once I get in I will need to find a place to live, and then move.  God I hate moving!  Granted some of my stuff has remained in boxes from the last move from Asheville to Wilkes, but I will still have to get all of my crap to PA.  But I am getting ahead of myself.  The first step is that acceptance letter, and then loans.  Yay! for being in debt!

Wilkes is the same- small and boring.  Still no job, so I will be working with my Dad in April.  Building cabinets somewhere.  I am looking foreword to spending that time with him, and the money will be pretty good.  But that's it. 

I have decided to brake up the monotony of my school-less life with making myself think that I am doing a show.  And since for every show you have to have a theme, I am starting to try and think through some of the stuff floating around in my head.  It is harder working here, no friends to suffer through modeling, no teachers breathing down my neck, so it will probably be some kind of self-exploration/ self-portrait kind of thing.  We shall see!  So expect some writings on that.  It helps with my process to write about it, and this is a blog.

Here's to inspiration!

On the Road Again

I am a little tired of driving.  But it was worth it to learn that I am pretty much in Grad school.  But I am still not going to count my chickens before they hatch.  As Meg said, I am worrying so that I don't have to worry.  

I am in Pennsylvania right now, staying with a much missed Kristen.  Tomorrow we are vegging together, not that I have anything to veg about, but it was what we do and I miss it.  Will do a better update soon.  Sorry that I have been so MIA lately, but nothing has really changed.  This trip will get better attention later.  

No sleep for the wicked

My Dear Navigator and Samitch Maker, (And whoever else, but mostly them)

I can't sleep for whatever reason.  My schedule lately has been staying up until 2 am and sleeping until noon, but tonight, well morning, I can't seem to go to sleep.  And it is because I have been scheming lately.  My brain just cannot let this idea go.  My body is dying for another adventure.  I have been thinking about this since I was in Asheville last week and Aly made an assumed innocent comment.  Little did she know that she was planting a seed of evilness.

I WANT ANOTHER ROAD-TRIP!!!!  And this is how my brain thinks that it will happen.

I know that my wonderful Dad will let us take Bessie/TT/Gert, that will not be a problem, it will be the gas money.  The last trip took a pretty huge penny, and I know that Dad would love to give us that experience again, but I also know that he can't.  So here is my proposal:

START SAVING NOW LADIES!!!

I think that if we actually fully plan this, it can happen.  Ideally it would be nice to come up with, please don't panic over this number, 2,000 between the three of us.  That is 666.67 per person which is like 200 a month if we go in May, which could be manageable right?  Or is Wilkes-by-God county just getting to me?  Is it making me think that the impossible is possible?  Giving me delusions-of-boredom so that I think we can have another adventure?  Because that nice figure above is just for the gas, not the food, truck stop showers or the zillion sweatshirts, just gas.  But if I can approach Dad with a sum that we can give he might give the rest.  We just have to be able to give him something to make it happen again.  He can't foot the whole, or even most, of the bill this time.  I really want this again.  This one will be planned out better, knowing where we need to get to each day and all that jazz.  (Oh, and I will be more lenient with my music selection.  Promise.  No RENT (musicals of any sort actually) or Aquabats.  

I know that I am asking a lot, but come on girls, it was the trip of a lifetime last time, and this one will be even better.  I know that Aly has summer school, and I am not sure about Kris10, but this could be 100 times better.  We could film this one, we now know all the aches and pain of Bessie/TT/Gert and what to do if the sink breaks.  I know to watch the curbs better to not get another flat (But what is road-trip without a flat?).  We could actually do this.  Let me know what ya think.  I will be calling, don't you worry.  Just setting the spark first.  

And seriously, no musicals... except for maybe some Buffy....

No big deal

So, one of my dear friends found it hilirous that I am horrified of going to Wal-Mart (And Yes I do mean YOU, TREVOR ASHTON WORDEN).  But I have to admit that it is a little on the funny side of life.  But it is not JUST Aaron that I don't want to see.  I don't want to run into people that I went to highschool with.  I don't want to see that look of pity that I am back in this little town.  

When I see them, and we go through the motions of pretending to care, all I want to do is shout that I am a college graduate, that I am going to grad school, that I am not stuck back in Wilkes-by-God county.  I am here by choice, I am here to step back from school for 6 more months until I go off to grad school.  And the thing that pisses me off, is that it is shallow of me to be concerned with what they think.  I am working on this little fear and vanity, but it is not coming easy.  My stomach drops when I walk into Wal-mart, the social highlight of my life now.  But you know what?  I will be the hell out of this town soon.  No big deal.

Take a deep breath, it will be fine.  So what if you have not talked to him since June?  No big deal, right.  The door open to reveal the bare carpet and a line at costemer service.  In and out.  No big deal.  I just want a book.  Just one thing and then I will get the hell out of Wal-Mart and it will be fine.

Just an update

I have graduated, and I am back home.

And I miss school.  I miss talking about art, I miss going to the studio, I miss Asheville.  But mostly, I miss ART!  I miss the feeling of creativity that surged through me in that city.  Now, I have NORMAL things that i should be doing.  I should be unpacking, working on my resume, and applying to grad school.  And that will be my life until further notice.

Oh, and did I mention that I am petrified of running in Aaron in this small town?  And I do mean petrified.  I start shaking when I have to go to Wal-Mart.  

Yeah, my new life.