One thing....

I have one thing to say..... I am tired of having the flu, or whatever I have.

And it is during finals.  Fun times for the last set of undergraduate finals.

Glorious Rays of Sunshine!

I did it!  I just got back my last paper for developmental and I got a B!  I never thought that I would be so happy over a B.  But then again I have never been so horrible in a class before.  So I am doing better with this whole class, and knowing that I am going to be fine in it and that December 20th is just around the corner.

On a happier note, I am going to try and get a job at New River in Wilkes for my 8 month stint at home.  It will be a hell of a lot better than retail, and somewhat connected to my intended life.  I will be a case worker, which could be extremely emotionally draining, but that will be a good thing too.  I need to toughen my skin and know that I can handle all of this.  And I am excited about my future, the one that I am working to get to.  It is a nice feeling to know that I am in control of my life.  

And so it all is about to End

I had my last 'offical' class of printmaking today.  and it has already left a small hole.  I know that I will be in there a ton between now and next thursday, but the thought that it is over has left a cloud over me.  It hurts my soul to think that I will never be a student in Owen again, that the wonderful mingling smells of toxic spray paint, pugnent nitric acid, sweet smelling gum aribic and tantalizing printing ink will not fill my nostrils after the 20th.  I am glad that I am graduationg, and moving on, but I will miss the family have found in those messy halls.  I had never had that kind of artistic community until this summer and I am disheartend to know that it is over.  

What am I going to do now?  I mean I know that I am going home and then hopefully grad school, but my studio life is over.  I am already missing it.  I will miss the random art conversations, the debates of the meaning of life and if the human race was really just a slave race for some far off aliens.  My life will consist of my parents and coming to Asheville whenever possible to maintain some feeling of culture.  I guess my personal work ehtic and artistic desire will maintian my inspiration form now on.  

WTF??

So, I was given permission to rewrite a paper for developmental, which I did.  I took it to the writing center, and got very little help, but added to my paper and what not, added discussion and clarified things.  And then I get my new grade today.

IT IS THE FUCKING SAME!!  What the HELL!

I was not expecting an A or anything, but damn, I turned a better paper in.  I did everything she told me to do and the writing center and I get nothing.  She said I could go and talk to her, but I know that if I do emotions will get in my way.  I get so angry when I think about that class, and anger makes me cry.  I am not good at expressing my anger, so it breaks lose in my tears.  I am not feeling sad or depressed about all of this like I was last week.  Now I am seething, boiling with anger.  I will probably go and talk to her since I don't know what she wants and neither did the nice man at the writing center.  So now I have to suck up my emotions and try not to cry and make myself talk because I tend to shut up when angry.  I am either silent or crying, odd little mixture I have here.  

I have been in brutal critics.  Crits were I cried in my studio space after.  Crits where I lost all confidence in my art and myself.  Hell, I even had a crit right after my show with a visiting artist that told me "The sculpture was too much for you to handle and the puzzle pieces do not clarify your idea, only confuse due to the lack of control."  I cried in my space for a while after that one.  But they were always something that I KNEW I could improve on.  Even asshole-artist-guy made some points.  Just not many that I agreed with, he just did not get my work.  I could improve my craftsmanship, but my ideas are sound.  Sure it made me feel useless, but I never doubted that it would make my work better.  But with this... I don't care if I get better, I just want to get a C.  I cannot have a fucking D on my record.  I am not a perfectionist, I gave up on straight A a long time ago, but this fucking class is the blight of my college career.

I am just going to have to suck it up and talk to the bitch.  And stop thinking of her as a bitch and thinking that she is a stupid-anal-A-type who knows jack shit about people over the age of 8.  I am just going to have to think positive about this.  That I need to do this to make me better.

-inhale, exhale- I can do this.

Personality Disorders... does everyone have one??

The high emotions have subsided from the pervious blog.  I am fine, although my ego is still bruised from not being good at something.  And that is when I found the silver lining- I need to humbled.  I needed to know that I am not perfect, and I don't have to be.  I have to ask for help, something that I have never been very good at.  Especially since Aaron.  Asking for help was something that I just can't do.  But now, I am working on it.

So in my abnormal class we are going over personality disorders (PD), and I was shocked at how I knew someone that could fit into almost each one.  For those of you who don't know, a personality disorder is defined as rigid, persistant character traits that cause great distress in life.  And due to the nature of PDs it is easy to see yourself and others in them.  But then I really thought about it.  We focused on borderline today and when we went over the DSM criteria for boderline, I was shocked at how many people in my life fit the criteria.   

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, know as "spitting". 

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. 

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self- mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. 

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior 

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 

7. chronic feelings of emptiness 

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) 

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

So why do I draw them to me?  Four people in my 23 years have fit this, and when only 4% of the entire US population has borderline, how can I find 4 of them?  (All of which have been diagnosed with this by a professional).  Granted that I only talk to one of them on a regular basis, and she is improving.  While the others, are well either exactly the same or I have not seen enough to know.  But the one that sticks in my mind the most is Marie.   

If I had read about this when I was so close with her, it may have helped me to understand her better, and maybe not pull away the way that I did.  She pushed me away to prove that I would abandon her, that I would give reality to her false beliefs in being alone.  I know that there is more to her complexities than this one disorder, but it makes this class even better when I can look at a list of symptoms and see it my life.  It lets me know that I am going into the right field.  That I understand people.  I don't need the experimental science, I just need to pass the class and then I get to the stuff that I do enjoy.  The abnormal, the addicts and the complex people, the people that can't be put into a box of numbers.

Oh by the way, I can see the dependent PD and the avoidance PD in myself.  Which apparently is normal according to my teacher.  And since I don't feel that it hurts my life, I guess my traits are not as rigid as the needed criteria.

Warning: Slightly emo rant.

I have not written in a while, mostly because I am living on auto-pilot these days.  I have a set routine for everyday, I go to class, do work on campus, maybe go out to eat with the girls, and then more class, then home and get up and do it again.  If it is a Friday, Saturday or Sunday, it is dreading going to work, then going to work and returning home exhausted and sleeping.  I am just going through the motions of this life.  And I hate it.

I hate that every Monday I dread going to Developmental Psychology because it puts me in a shitty mood the rest of the day.  All I can think about in that fucking class is how much I hate it and don't want to be there.  Oh, and how I am an utter failure in that class.  I have never struggled like this in a class before.  I have never had to work for a fucking C, not even an A, but a C.  What the hell happened to me?  Where did that good student go?  I used to breeze through papers and tests and I was fine.  But in this class, I fail.  

The fact that I am struggling in this class makes me doubt my wanting to go to grad school.  I mean if I can't make it as a college senior what hope do I in grad school.  If I was going for studio art, no big deal, I thrive in that, but this, writing papers and talking in classes, not my strong suits.  But I want this life.  I want to be an art therapist.  I want to show people how to save themselves with art.  I want art to save someone the way that it did me.  It saved me every minute of my life in high school and college.  And the thought of not having those studio classes everyday scares the shit out of me.

I made a promise to myself last week that I would be a good student again.  That I would not skip anymore classes, and what did I do today?  Skipped two classes.  My developmental teacher sent an email saying that we were going to watch a movie and that she would not be there.  So what the hell makes her think that I am going to be there?  I can watch the movie at home and take notes on it for the test.  And then I got to sleep late.  Then 4 o'clock rolled around and Jeremy was over, so I did not go.  I am not worried about missing the second class, I have an A+ in that class.  But it is the fact that I missed developmental...... again.  

All of the above ranting comes down to this one thing.  I am losing myself.  I am losing my free spirit to the hell of corporate America every weekend and to writing logical precise papers every week.  I lost my spark somewhere.  I lost the fire.  I lost my art.  I spend maybe 8 hours a week in studio.  That is not enough.  I was spending every waking second doing or thinking about my art, and now my mind rests on papers about childhood memory.  I am losing myself to the motions.  

But I am going to get it back.  I am going to be the person that loves school.  I am going to ace my next developmental exam and paper.  I am going to spend more time in the studio.  I am going to find my spark again.  I know that it is hidden in my art.  I know that it is there waiting for me to find it again.  And I know that I will, because if I don't I will lose the point to this life.

I Am.

So a friend of mine wanted me to post these for him.  So here they are.  For a lot of you this is simply a repeat of the real thing, but here they are anyways.  

I Am a Downward Spiral 

I am Wandering

I Am an Alcoholic's Daughter

I Am Ugly

I Am Beautiful

I Am Olivia

Phillip's Wall

I Am a Firefighter

I Am Phillip

I Am a Builder

Amanda's Wall

I Am Broken

I Am Amanda

I Am a Cleaning Monster

I Am Free

Aly's Wall

I Am Trapped

I Am Aly

I Am in Love with Me


I Am.

I have always had a fascination with personality traits, understanding them, accepting them, rejoicing in the flaws and quirks that make an individual, so it was natural for me to be drawn to portraits. When I studied the self-portraits of Durer, Rembrandt and Van Gogh I saw how each portrait showed a new aspect of the artist, showing an evolution of the art and their identity. I wanted to take a new approach to what a portrait contains, I wanted to show who the person really is and not just a physical representation.
The inspiration for this show, or at least the beginning idea, came from life. In high school I had issues with people judging me based on my appearance or just one aspect of my personality. In creating a show that literally breaks down a personality into single traits, I needed a way to convey that a person is more than just one characteristic, so the puzzle pieces became a huge part of my message.



Each piece is a unique part of the person, a way to convey who they are and not just what the world always sees. It is the small pieces of a person that creates of a whole. With each new piece, a different aspect, a different piece of the puzzle, needed to be captured. Due to the separation of the personality, a duality is created that exists within each person. With myself I used body image as a way to possesses my own duality with my looks. The two pieces, I Am Ugly and I Am Beautiful, serve to create a tension between being beautiful and ugly. And it is in the duality that people find a balance, a balance that makes them whole. 



The casting process is used to give a life size representation to add dimension to each piece. The cast allows me to place a tangible representation of the person on each piece. The three dimensional element allows a mood and space to be created just as Edward Kienholz. The drawings that are on each piece serve to clarify aspects of the person, to add yet another element to the work. The life size drawings are the assembled whole, the person as they are seen from on a physical level. 

As you take in the show, I invite you to take a look at yourself, to try and find what pieces make you a unique individual to the world.
Thanks,
Olivia Shumate

Go Griffins!

This weekend was a blast, for the most part anyways.  I went with Trevor to Pennsylvania to visit Seton Hill University in Greensburg and Kristen in Clarion.  The drive up was long, and Trevor had some freak outs.

Clarion is in western PA and out in the middle of nowhere, but considering that I grew up out in the middle of nowhere that was not a big deal.  But Trevor lost it when we were on this little highway at night.  I think that he really believed that we were going to die.  It was completely irrational.  But drama and Trevor tend go hand in hand.  I love you Trevor!

But getting to see Kristen was great.  I have missed her so much.  I did not realize how much until I get to see her again.  And then we got there just in time to watch Supernatural together, just like old times.  There was girl talk, sharing, laughing, junk food and mindless television.  Just like last year, and the three years prior to that.  

Granted, Clarion is smaller than Wilkesboro, but it is cute, quaint, and charming.  I loved it.  And then there was my school.  It was WONDERFUL.  I had my doubts, it is a Catholic Liberal Arts University and that scares me a little, hell it scared me a lot.  But I was reassured over and over that it Catholic in history more than anything now.  

It is a 200 acre campus on top of a hill and surrounded by trees and grass.  The main buildings were built in 1839, and the campus just screamed home to me.  The center of the campus has joined the building together with a bunch of corridors, and it made me feel like I was in a castle.  And I know how lame this sounds, but I felt I was walking in Hogwarts.  I am going to a school that reminds me of Harry Potter.  

This is the Maura Hall, which is home to the art studios, granted they are exiled  to the basement, but that is normal, we tend to scare people.

The center of the campus.  You can see the connecting halls.

Then I got to talk to a current art therapy student, and she showed me the art therapy room.  And my heart soared when I saw that the walls were decorated with Buddhist spiritual flags.  No cross or Jesus, not one single catholic relic in sight.  She was informative and I feel good about this program.  I still have questions, but they will be answered at some point.

Then I spent the rest of the weekend with Kristen.  We ate lots of food and watched TV.  Kristen and I would stay up late talking and I felt like nothing had changed, that the last 3 months apart had never happened.  And that lets me know that this friendship will last, it will stand the test of time.

I got back to Asheville early this morning and then went to class.  It was hard to leave Kristen, not as painful as when she left, but it still hurt.  I feel the most at home with her, Aly, Amanda and my parents.  They are my girls, my soul-mates.  But it is nice to know where is lives, to have seen her haunted building (Super exciting!) and know that she will only be less than 2 hours from me in Greensburg.  

I know where I am want to go to GRAD SCHOOL!  And I actually WANT to go there.

I Want This.

I finally have a day off tomorrow.  Between school and work, I have not had a free day in the last two weeks.  

But Thursday was interesting.  This family came into to Lane Bryant, it was a mother, father and their three daughters.  And the mom was finding an outfit for some reunion type thing.  And I was bringing her another pair of pants and I caught the end of her conversation with her husband.

"Babe, it is not the clothes that make you, but you make the clothes.  You are going to be beautiful no matter what you wear."  He was looking at his wife with such love and devotion.  It made me want to cry.  The woman obviously did not find herself attractive, and her husband thought that she was the most beautiful woman in the world.  I want that.  

Home at Last.

I have spent the last week at Aly's, saving on gas and therefor time and money.  But the gas crisis seems to finally be coming to an end.  Now I am at home, and feeling the stress of moving at the end of December.  

I got home to a nice-renew-lease letter and it made me cringe.  I hate packing, I hate moving.  I hate when I have to put my entire life in a box.  And the hatred is born from the fact that my life does not fit into a box, or even a single room.  I am moving home, which I am fine with, and I get one room.  One room that is already full of furniture.  All of my stuff is going into the barn.  

UGH!

I know that mom would let me put my stuff in my room, but then I would just have to move it all again when I go to grad school, so that would not be worth it.  It would not be worth all the moving.  

So I will be having a packing party soon.  I know that the only way to make all of my tension decrease is to start now.  I am moving my studio first since my only, and last, studio class is printmaking, which I have to do on campus.

So my boxes are going to be used a lot in the next few months.  I am going to be weeding things out and downsizing to a more manageable life.

"I am an Angel of the Lord"

My wonderful show started back up last week and it has been amazing so far.  But I have to say that one of the best parts is that I have a date every Thursday with Kristen.  We watch the episode of Supernatural while chatting online and then we call and talk about it after.  It has been pretty amazing thus far and it helps to keep something of our old relationship.  I miss having her on my couch watching some nerdy TV show.  Hell, I miss knowing that she is somewhere on campus or in the same state as me.  Supernatural has become a balm to my aches of missing her.

So I need some help.  I know absolutely nothing about the bible, and well, Supernatural has taken a biblical turn.  Does anyone know anything about Revelations?  If this had to do with the run of the mill myths and lore as usual than I would be fine, but no, now they want to branch out and throw in some good southern-bible-thumping-apocalypse-prophecy stuff and I am found to be at a loss.  I hope that I am going to enjoy this new turn of events.  Last week I had my doubts, but this week redeemed itself a little.  

So anyone know anything about the end of world?  

For those who did not know...

It is my birthday.  Happy birthday to me.

My gay man came this weekend.  It was nice to get to see him since it has been a while.  I miss him.  But due to the impromtu highschool resuinon feel of this weekend it made me reflect on my senior year and how much had changed and what has not.

I know that my life has changed, I went from being single to not; leaving the bitterness behind.  But I have maintained the important realtionships, the ones that have shaped me.  My homosexual lifemate has permentaly tied me to her, I know that no matter where I go that she will always be there for me.  And then there is Jeremy, the guy who I call when I am wanting and not worry about how often I call.

So this is one of the best birthday presents ever.  It is a Supernatural MUG!!  IT is AMAZING!  It was a wonderful surprise to get from Kristen.  Now I just need the third season to top off the wonder of turning 23.  I love that I get my present on Kristen birthday and she will probably get hers on mine since I still have not mailed it.  And I have a brilliant idea for a nice fun gift for her.  This idea will probably be used for Aly and Amanda.  I know that Aly's birthday was last month but the wait will be worth it, I promise!

Now I have to write this stupid developmental paper.  No more procrastination.  Not to mention I will be up all night doing it and then go to class at 9.  Yeah college life.  Why do I do this to myself.

Aly Saves the day

Life has been pretty average here.  I am currently residing with my wonderful homosexual life-mate to help me save money from the huge gas explosion.  It has actually been nice.  I kinda miss living with Aly.  Hopefully I am not bothering her too much.  But it has been nice to see someone everyday since my life recently has only involved school, work and sleep.  

I will be in the studio all day tomorrow when I am not in class since I used that time today to work on some papers.  So studio life it is for me tomorrow.  Wish me luck in the room of chemicals and nitric acid.  

Work Fun, Really?

I have worked all weekend, and I still have to work tomorrow.  But I have some fun stories.

First of all I was called skinny, that was a first.  Stephenie, my manger, made try on clothes like all day yesterday, and I come out of the dressing room in a dress and she tells me how skinny I am.  Is it sad that I love working there because I am one of the smallest people on payroll and normally one of the smallest in the store.  I love these job!

And then I was checking out this lady and they have to give their phone numbers.  It was a 336 area code which encompasses a rather large area, but then 667 came out of her mouth.

"Are you from Wilkesboro?"

"Yes, I am.  How did you know that?"

"The number.  I would even venture to guess the country club."

"Yes that is right.  Are you from there?"

"Born and raised."

"Oh, I am so sorry."  I know that Wilkesboro is small, but 'I am so sorry'?  Really!?!?!?!  I might have hated it for a time, but I am proud that I am from there.  How can she assume that I hate it?  I mean what the hell?  She is not even from there, she chooses to live there.  But she is moving back to Virgina soon.  Crazy lady!

Then I went to go get Wendy's after work and then to Aly's.  The guy at the at the drive thru comments on my 'trust no one' sticker, which I of course had to explain was X-Files.  Which then proceeded in a conversation about the wonder of the show that included the entire staff.  One nerdy kid came running from the back to ask me about the movie and if I thought it was good.  I told him it was ok, I could not break his heart and tell him how awful it was.  

Snapshots

Every now and then there are these moments in life that are perfect.  And it is always the small things, not the big things that leave you with a true feeling of happiness, not just contentment but the true feeling of life and being glad to be living it.  It is these moments that my mind takes a picture, moments that will be will be what flashes before me when I die.  I have not had one of these snapshot moments for a while, but I did today.

I had just gotten off ichat with Kristen and I was taking Gabby out.  A cool breeze hit me when I got out the door, and the night felt perfect, like magic.  With everything that has happened in last few months and my life has been busy and constantly changing.  I am optimistic about my future, about where I am going to go and end up.  I am happy right now.  I still have truly wonderful friends, and my art is going better than ever.  It is hard to be here, to still be in school where there are constant reminders of what life was like, of days on the quad, life in founders, and the pain of my show.  

It is weird how my life has turned out.  I was supposed to go to an art school and then grad school in studio art.  And somehow I ended up at a liberal arts college that shaped me into a better person, and gave me wonderful memories and friends.  And now I am going to grad school for art therapy, something that my community college art teacher wanted me to do.  She seemed to think that I was made for it.

I might feel differently next week, or tomorrow, but for right now I like my life.  I like the routine of it.  

Oh, and I am definitely graduating on Dec. 20, 2008.  With a BFA in studio art and a minor in psychology.  I am graduating!!!!!!

For the Girls of Founder's Hall

After four years of friendship with three incredible women, I found a picture of all four of us.  I am not sure how that happened, no foursome pictures, but that makes this one even more amazing.  I know that some of us girls have been having problems, missing the life that we once all shared, and now dealing with adult issues.  I hope that this picture makes ya'll as happy as it makes me.  It made me laugh for joy when I realized we were all in it, and cry at the thought of how much has changed since then.  I am pretty sure this is from my birthday last year, almost one year ago.

I miss you girls, I miss those cuddles on my couch, marking virgin daiquiris at midnight, devouring pixie sticks, crying and laughing over chick flicks, sharing in the childish innocence of Disney, but mostly I just miss what we were to each other.  I know that I still have three of the best friends in the world, but I miss the late nights and the laughter.  I just love ya'll so much.  My college life would have been bland without all of you.  

When I found this, I decided on a theme for my prints this semester.  I am doing close ups of the people that are, or were important to me, but from an art perspective it becomes about the negative and positive space and not the people.  It makes the intimacy of these picture more private.

Oh, and I took the Lane Bryant job.  My first day is Sunday, and I went with Trevor and bought my first work outfit.  The women that work there are fun and laid back, which is going to make this wonderful.  I am excited about all the wonderful clothes that I will be buying.  

A Choice to Make

I have applied at Lane Bryant and Eddie Bauer for a job, and I got both of them.  So now, I am not sure what to do.  There would not be a choice to be made, but EB is offering me 8 while LB is only offering me 7.15.  I know that I will enjoy working at LB more, but that is a huge difference in pay.  I would be working weekends for both, the only rub in the money.

What am going to do?  I would be working with fashion in both, and they are right next to each other in the mall, it is just I know that I would feel more comfortable at LB.  But 85 cents is such a huge difference.  In some ways I feel that I debating selling my soul over 85 cents.  I am going to sleep on it and talk to mom about it.  Why can't LB offer me more?  Then this would not be an issue.

Nice Surprises

I was in the psyc lounge reading before class, and I had finished the massive chapter on the difficultly of naming learning disabilities so I went outside to smoke.  And I got a voicemail, and it was from Nathan.  

I thought that he was already in Japan, I did not realize how much I had missed talking to him.  And apparently I am one of the few people he wants to keep in contact with, I did not know I meant that much to him.  I am in his top five, that means so much to me.  But then again, we have been friends since middle school.  I am so excited for him and the experience he is about to have.  I am jealous actually.  I want to go spend two years in a foreign country.  He is going to change so much, and he went through miraculous changes in college.  

So I have to go home this weekend, I am going to help Michelle in Hillsville Virginia.  It is this huge flea market kind of thing and she has a booth, and so Mom and I are going to go up and help her Friday.  Since I am going to be home this Thursday I might get to see Nathan before he leaves for Japan.  That will be one good thing.

Graduation is in sight

So I am now taking four, yes, four psych classes.  All of them reading intensive and a few with some major writing.  But, I can do this.  I will have all nights free, and work on the weekends.  

That is if I get hired.

I ran all over campus today to get everything taken care of.  I went to class, declared my minor, sent an e-mail to Dr. Brown to get into research Methods 2, then realized this was the last drop/add day, so waited outside his office until he showed up and then got signed in.  But on the upside, there is not a book for RM2.  

I have some reading to do and then an interview to get to and then to the studio to do work for tomorrow and then class again.  So all I have to do now is get through all of these classes and in December I get to walk across a stage and get a VERY expensive piece of paper.  But I will graduate, and I will be fine.  

Super Parents to the Rescue

I talked to my parents today about having to drop my minor.  Mom listened and said that if that is what I need to do, then do it.  And then she called back.  She had talked to Dad and he did not hesitate to tell me that I was being ridiculous and that my education will always come first.

I knew that was true before, but the lack of an income has left its toil on my family.  I knew that I needed a job, that I need to be able to supply for myself to some degree, but Dad told me that I would never get this chance again.  Sure, I will now only be working weekends, and going home will not be happening, and I will be stressed to the max taking 16 hours and working 15-20 hrs a week, but I can do it.  I can still get my minor, and graduate in December and pay all my bills, except my rent, and live.  My life my not be include much buying, but since my bad influence spending friend is gone, this might be easier than I think.

Without my parents none of this would be possible, what can I say, I love them.

Bullshit Liberal arts!!!

I am having to drop my actually minor to take another quantitative class.  I was told that Stat 185 would fulfill my math and quantitative requirement, Tynes was wrong.  So I am having to drop the last class that would fulfill my minor, and take a math related course so that I can work at least two afternoons during the week and two days of the weekend.  I hate this.

I hate that I have to do the bullshit.  I don't need another fucking math requirement, I need to know how to deal with people, how to do what will one day be my job.  But I will still have the shit I need for grad school, just not my minor.  I am going to be stressed to max once I start working.  I have 9 am classes everyday, and it does not seem to matter what time I go to sleep, I am still tired at those classes.  But in 4 months it will be over.  I am counting down the days to 9 months of retail and no rent.

120 days to go until I walk.

Oh and I have an interview at Lane Bryant on Monday and I had one at Eddie Bauer today.  I want the LB one, but I just need a job, a way to make money and give some reprieve to my parents.

Old friends

So I had a weird experience the other week.  

I was in bed in Wilkes and my cell rings.  I was just getting up to get ready for work, and when I read the caller ID, I almost dropped the phone.  Wade called me.  I answered, but was in shock.  I did not know why.  And I still don't.

He is going to Western now, and just wanted to know if I was still in Asheville.  I wanted to hang out.  So I called him when I got back to Asheville.  And then last night we hung out.

I was nervous and sacred.  I did not know what to expect.  He was so cruel to me, but I have forgiven him, and thought that maybe he had changed.  And to my disappointment he had not.

He was still the same.  Still doing the same shit that I could not stand 3 years ago.  It was a superficial evening.  I did not feel any connection to him, I did not feel that he trusts me anymore than I can trust him.  Sure he divulged personal details from his life in the last 3 years, but I felt he did it to check my response, not to share with me or mend broken ties.  It was just because he was near Asheville.

I will never be close to him again, and I am surprising ok with that.  There was a time in my life when I thought that we would be friends forever, and now, he is just some guy I went to high school with.  No big deal.  I like that I can talk to him and it not hurt.  But the trust is gone, and I don't think that I will ever let it sneak back into my life.

He will forever be superficial friend, an old memory.

Out West Day 2 pt 2 and Day 3

Day Two part 2: Monday May 19th

So we continued driving into the night, and then Kristen and I see this sign.  A road sign that made us both squeal.  But before I can explain the excitement, I need to tell ya'll about a part of my friendship with Kristen.  

When Kristen and I were juniors in college, we started watching a cheesy television series that lasted a year in the early 90's.  Roar was a Celtic show that starred Heath Ledger.  It was amazingly awful, but it started a trend with us.  We next moved on the X-Files and then Kristen got to pick a show.  And she picked a show that was currently on TV and in its' second year.  It is the next generation of X-Files. Supernatural suddenly filled our lives.  Supernatural is a show about two young brothers that hunt the supernatural to make the world a safer place for the clueless to the paranormal.  The family in the show, the Winchesters, are from a small town in Kansas.  And we drove through Lawrence Kansas.  We got to be in the place that was the birth place of two of the sexiest hunters alive. 

Kristen is a Dean Winchester fan, while I love Sam.  Kristen likes the bad boy while my heart goes out to the sentimental smart one.  And we got to drive through the hometown of our Hollywood husbands.

Why, Hello there Dean.

Oh Sammy.

Day 3: Tuesday May 20th

I got up early yet again to continue driving.  Kansas was beautiful, nice rolling hills and lots of cows.  Which Aly and Kristen found highly amusing.  The quote "Julie, I gotta go, we've got cows" from Twister was quoted throughout the trip.  We stopped at another truck stop to shower, this time it was 10 dollars and Kristen and I shared the cost and shower.  Girl bonding at its' finest.  

Pretty Kansas Picture.

While in Kansas we saw several signs of the highway screaming at us to get saved and that abortion was a sin.  Nice conservative state, which we found highly enjoyable.  Kansas was beautiful until we were close to Colorado, and then the hills became flat prairie.  

After the shower, Kristen wanted to drive, and then the GPS got us lost again.  It got us lost early by directing us to a nonexistence truck stop.  Then it told Kristen to take a right to the highway when the highway was on the left.  We ended up a straight road out in the middle of nowhere.  The GPS kept telling Kristen to turn onto these dirt roads that ran through cornfields.  She would not do it, so I took over.  Kristen was convinced that we were all going to die at the hands of some back country farmer.  It was fine, although Aly swears that she saw a rabbit that could have eaten us.  

The rest of the trip was just driving to Boulder.  

Our first shot of the Great Rocky Mountains.

We made it to Denver just in time for rush hour, but then it was only a short drive to Boulder.  We tried to find a campground in Boulder, and the GPS took us to a country club and a dead end street.  After using two driveways and taking out a mailbox (joking, about the mailbox anyways) we made it to a KOA in Longmont, just outside of Boulder, we made camp.  We stayed that night in the wal-mart across the street to save money and go to camp ground the next day.

We drove to downtown Boulder and parked at a hotel and ate at a wonderful Mexican restaurant.  It was nice and peaceful.  Then we walked to the main campus of my school on Arapaho Drive.  It was a collection of building and homes and very artsy.  Then we went back to the wal-mart to sleep.

Out West Day two pt. 1

Day Two Part 1: Monday May 19th

So I got up early, at about 6:30 to take a shower and start driving.  I wanted to get to Boulder on the 20th, since my appointments were all on the 21st.  I really wanted to experience Boulder, since that would be were I could be living for three years.  So getting as many miles driven as possible, and during the daylight, I had to get up early.

So around noon, I stopped to let Kristen take a shower.  She has to have a shower everyday, and shave for that matter.  I had the generator running so that Aly and I could watch TV while Kristen showered.  Then Kristen started yelling about the water still being cold, and that the water stopped.  I get up from the couch and walk over to check the pump and I step in water.  Not just a little, but a puddle, and it was gushing from under the kitchen sink.  I open the cabinet and water gushes out all over my feet.  I jump up and turn off the pump, and Kristen gets out of the shower, only a little wet.  

The next hour I spent trying to reach Dad and try to fix the sink.  The hose had popped and the hole was right at the top of the tube and the sink did not have a shut off valve.  I tried stopping it, and it kept leaking.  After going through almost an entire roll of Teflon tape, the leak would not stop.  By this time I had to get back on the road, and the RV fix-it place we called could not see us that day.  

Trying to fix the sink.  Aly was relying Dad's instructions to me.

St. Louis, the Arch to the West.

I did not enjoy driving through St. Louis.  The highway took us straight the heart of the city, which was nice to see, but the traffic was horrendous.  I am keeping to the right hand lane so that I can drive slower and have a shoulder to use if I need to; and then there was a car on the shoulder.

This guy was on the side of the road and the driver decides to open his car door right as I am going by.  I slam on my breaks because his car door goes over the white line.  So when I put on the breaks, a 5 pound coffee mug full of pens and pencils falls from above my head and almost knocks me out.  And a flying pen barely misses taking out Kristen's eye.  That was the only incident in St. Louis.  I cussed the guy on the side of the road and then kept driving.  

Kristen, after not having her shower!!!

Kristen is the shower Nazi.  She showers and shaves everyday, and to not be able to made her slightly irritable.  The above picture was taken in jest, but it is true.  She was curt the whole day.  So I stopped at a truck stop to dump and replenish the water for when we did get it fixed in Boulder.  And Kristen being desperate for a shower went to ask the truck stop if they had public showers.  Even if I had not gotten a shower that day, I can survive three days without a shower.  But Kristen was determined, so her and Aly took a 6 dollar shower together.  Kristen was much happier after that.

It was Aly's job to dump, since she never drove.  Kristen was at least willing, so Aly took the dirty job.

Kansas City

One thing that needs to be said is that I had a dream, a dream of listening to Kansas in Kansas, and I got to live that dream on the second day of this trip. It was at dusk, so Kansas City was beautiful. We rolled the windows down and Carry on my Wayward Son blared from the speakers. Then we got lost.

We got lost in downtown Kansas city and I had to drive through the ghetto on roads that I had to do a five point turn to make a right turn at an intersection. But we eventually made it to the high-way and kept driving. I was not tired, so this was my first night driving experience.  

To Be Continued....

Summer is ending

My printmaking class is over, and I am feeling a little of a loss as to what to do now.  I have never gotten so close to a group in my class before.  I have hanging out with them outside of class, that has not been a norm for me in the last 4 years.  It has been nice.

I went with Tegan over to Ben's last night.  It was just the printmaking crowd and Ben lives in a fantastic house.  I am enjoying my life right now.  I am trying to live in the moment, and it has been easier.  

I applied at Target today.  I should be hearing back in about a week.  

Now I get to go home for a week.  I am excited about this.  I have not been home much in last month, and I miss my parents.  It will be a nice break before the start of the Fall semester.  Where papers and work will run my life once again.  

Saving the World, and myself

I can't sleep right now.  I went to bed at 12 and slept for a few hours, but then I woke up and life took a weigh in and I am awake.  I can't sleep due to the over whelming problems of money and what I am going to when I graduate.  

I know what I want to do, but I feel that I staring into dark abyss of the unknown.  I never knew how much I relied on my parents money as a back up to my wayward life.  I am an artist, a career choice I made thinking that I would always have my parents to help me.  Now that I know that it is all on me, I am doubting everything.  Can I make a living as an art therapist in this economic state.  I am going to be in a career that is not a necessity in life, and I have to put myself in major debt to do it.  I know that I want this, that I want to help people, I want my art knowledge to enrich others life.  But I am feeling at a loss to be able to do.

I know that a part of this is simply because I am feeling sorry for myself, that I am just wallowing in the unknown of my future.  But i can't help it. I cant make it stop.  It consumes my every thought, except when I am in the studio.  My art has always been an escape, a way to make myself feel better.  I finally understand what Kristen meant.  I knew what she meant when she said Mark was her escape, but I never felt that way about anything.  But before, my art was all consuming, I did not have the time to think about my life without it.  

The next 2-5 years will solely be art therapy, not studio related.  That scares me.  Writing papers and reading texts is all that my life will be.  When will I have the time to do art when I have three papers to write, 100 pages to read and a job so that I can live.  Do I really have the strength to do this?  Am I really good enough.  The critic that I had at the end of last semester surly said no.  I do believe that I can do this, damn it I can do this.  I work 20+ hours a week and still maintain my GPA.  And if that means that my art life gets reduced to my studio, so be it.  And later my art life will be reduced to simply drawing at night, so be it.  It will still be a part of me right?  

I am nervous about the fact that I need spiritual growth, but I recently realized that my art is my religion.  I have never felt more myself as when I am drawing.  It was never casting, or painting, always drawing.  Always making my mark.  And the thing about drawing, it can go with me everywhere.

I already feel better about this.  It was a moment of weakness in the wee hours of the morning.  But I am still scared of the future.  But I can do it.  I did my senior show, and it was hard, but I did it.  I can do this and I will save the world.

Print making

I have been taking a summer class at UNCA, and it has been pretty intense.  But I love it.  I dream about it.  In many ways I needed another art project to fill the hole my show left.  But now I am working on my finial project for the class, and since my trip out west is still on the brain, insipration struck.

I am taking all of the beautiful landscape pictures that I have, with all of the arm outstreched pictures and melding the two.  I have complete control over the background and the figures.  I can put whoever I want in the pictures with Buffalo or a coyote.  It is fun recreating a trip that did not happen in the way my prints say that it did.  For example did you know that we saw a coyote run on water?  Or that Aly stood nest to a Buffalo and her baby?  So what if it did not happen, I see it on my mind and boom there it is.  It is pretty amazing to know that I can make as many of these beauties as I want.  I am going to take Print Making 2 next semester, and not ceramics 3.  

The only bad thing about this class?  The constant scraping and drawing is taking a toll on my hand.  It will not stop shaking and when working on details that is a bad thing.  It just takes some breathing and hand clenching and it subsides.

 

Out West Day 1

So, I guess I should start by saying that I went out west this summer with two of my best friends.  I needed to go out west to visit a grad school, and I have always wanted to take a road trip.  My parents have always been supportive of this, and now that college is almost over and I have yet to have my grand adventure, I wanted to take it with the women who have meant the most to me over my college life.  

The destination? Boulder Colorado to visit Naropa University, and to have as many adventures as possible together before the three of us go our separate ways for grad school.  The trip encompassed 12 days, over 1500 miles and 14 states.  It was amazing.

Day 1: Sunday May 18th, 2008

So we left Wilkes-by-god-county around 1.  Dad went over everything with the three of us on the RV one last time, packed up and then got lunch with the wonderful parents before setting out.  I drove the whole time, and we made it to Frankfort Kentucky before nightfall and stayed the night in the Wal-Mart.  The day was just driving, singing, talking and laughing.

Before we left, in front of the coffee house with Dad.

During the trip, we each had a new name for the RV.  Aly called her TT, Kristen, Gert and I called her Bessie.  We all had ended with a love/hate relationship with her.

Livvie, the Driver and Trip Planner

Aly, the Navigator and Token Gay

Kristen- the 'samitch' maker and shower whore

Senior Show Movie

I have always had a fascination with personality traits, understanding them, accepting them, rejoicing in the flaws and quirks that make and individual, so it was natural for me to be drawn to portraits.  When I studied the self-portraits of Durer, Rembrandt and Van Gogh I saw how each portrait showed a new aspect of the artist, showing an evolution of the art and their identity.  I wanted to take a new approach to what a portrait contains, I wanted to show who the person really it and not just a physical representation.

The inspiration for this show, or at least the beginning idea, came from life.  In high school I had issues with people judging me based on my appearance or just one facet of my personality.  In creating a show that literally breaks down a personality into single traits, I needed a way to convey that a person is more than just one characteristic, so the puzzle pieces became a huge part of my message.

Each piece is a unique part of the person, a way to convey who they are and not just what the world always sees.  It is a small pieces of a person that creates the whole.  With each new piece, a different aspect, a different piece of the puzzle, needed to be captured.  Due to the separation of the personality, a duality is created that exists within each person.  With myself I used body image as a way to possesses my own duality with my looks.  The two pieces, I Am Ugly and I Am Beautiful, serve to create a tension between beauty and ugliness.  And it is the duality that people find a balance, a balance that makes them whole.

Thanks, 

Olivia Shumate