Time to Try and Heal

I was going through some boxes in my office, and I found it. I found the last journal that Aaron was actively a part. It was the one that detailed the break-up, the real pain I felt afterwards. But it was inconsistent, not like I was when I was in high school. I need to write more. I find it a litle unsettleing that I wrote endlessly about my pain with Jeremy, and the pain of Aaron not liking me in the beginning, and yet, when I was going through REAL heartache, not much. But is was nice to read that I had at least verbally written how much I missed him. At least of first. For about four entires, then I just stop wrting about him. I am thinking that is when I pushed away the pain, focused on other things like college. For a long time there I was convinced I was fine.

About a year and half after we broke up, I wrote an entry about how I was over him, that going through his box, I felt nothing. And that was the key word, I felt nothing. I had detached from the emotion of Aaron. And another year later it all came back in renewed strength. But reading those words, reading my raw pain and knowing what I feel now, the pain that resurfaced is not as crippling as it was then. "I can't lose him as a friend. That will kill me. He has been too much in my life to lose. I still need him." Then I was hurt over losing my boyfriend, now, I hurt over losing my friend. One I can never fix, the other I can only hope.

I just have to let and stop waiting. I have done all I can.

Strings

I opened the flood gates and now I need them to stop.  I have come to some kind of acceptance over Aaron, but now I am grappling with a new feeling.  A feeling of being totally cut off from him.  I found more comfort in knowing that he was out there, that I had a line to him, and now I just have a dangling string to what used to be.  I wanted the string severed so bad two years ago.  It hurt so much to see him.  My body wanted to reach out to him when I knew that I couldn't.  Maybe I am wanting some answers from him.  I want to know if my new understanding of our end is right.  That is something that I will never get.  I just have to realize that we freed each other.  He changed me, changed how I look at the world.  I don't know if that is good or bad yet, at times it is bad, too black and depressing.  But most of the time I feel that it is good.  

It all boils down to me dealing with not knowing anything about his life.  I have accepted my role in the end of relationship, now I have to deal with the fact that we are completely separate now.  I will never know where he is now.  I will never be connected to him.  I just have the dangling string of our past, I need to make a hat and stop weaving a noose.

Just an update

I have graduated, and I am back home.

And I miss school.  I miss talking about art, I miss going to the studio, I miss Asheville.  But mostly, I miss ART!  I miss the feeling of creativity that surged through me in that city.  Now, I have NORMAL things that i should be doing.  I should be unpacking, working on my resume, and applying to grad school.  And that will be my life until further notice.

Oh, and did I mention that I am petrified of running in Aaron in this small town?  And I do mean petrified.  I start shaking when I have to go to Wal-Mart.  

Yeah, my new life.