I was going through some boxes in my office, and I found it. I found the last journal that Aaron was actively a part. It was the one that detailed the break-up, the real pain I felt afterwards. But it was inconsistent, not like I was when I was in high school. I need to write more. I find it a litle unsettleing that I wrote endlessly about my pain with Jeremy, and the pain of Aaron not liking me in the beginning, and yet, when I was going through REAL heartache, not much. But is was nice to read that I had at least verbally written how much I missed him. At least of first. For about four entires, then I just stop wrting about him. I am thinking that is when I pushed away the pain, focused on other things like college. For a long time there I was convinced I was fine.
About a year and half after we broke up, I wrote an entry about how I was over him, that going through his box, I felt nothing. And that was the key word, I felt nothing. I had detached from the emotion of Aaron. And another year later it all came back in renewed strength. But reading those words, reading my raw pain and knowing what I feel now, the pain that resurfaced is not as crippling as it was then. "I can't lose him as a friend. That will kill me. He has been too much in my life to lose. I still need him." Then I was hurt over losing my boyfriend, now, I hurt over losing my friend. One I can never fix, the other I can only hope.
I just have to let and stop waiting. I have done all I can.
I hurt reading this, because I have felt that loss of friendship after break-ups so many times. I still miss so many of my ex's. But not as boyfriends, which I was almost always glad to be rid of. I just really miss the friendship. The closeness. The love. Being important to them. They are still so important to me, and I know for a fact that most of them don't give a crap about me anymore. That hurts. It makes the whole friendship before the break-up seem null and void. If you truly care about someone, isn't that supposed to last forever? In some shape or form?
ReplyDeleteI think so. I mean Aaron completely changed me, I am who I am because of him, and now I have nothing left. But reading that last journal helped. It was like I had been holding my breath waiting to read about the end, about where things went bad. It was good I think to reflect on it, I am feeling the beginnings of closure and acceptance.
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