Here we go.....Off to Neverland

So, I am trying this again.  But this time it will be a little different.  I have spent the last two weeks re-reading every journal entry I could get my hands on.  Everything that I have ever used to express myself in word.  And it was not easy to do at times.  But I have realized a lot about myself and how I see the world.  

I have issues trusting people.  I don't know why, but it was there from the begging, back in 1999.  And then those that I chose to trust left.  Nathan (who came back, and was my fault), Anna, Mary Alys, KC, Jeremy and Britt.  Jerm and britt left the deepest scars.  I have overcome the jerm stuff, Britt, what will always be on my mind.  And then Aaron.  Aaron the first person that I was ever able to be weak and crazy with.  I am struggling a lot with him, with the pain of losing him right now.  He has a new girlfriend, which I shouldn't hate him for.  I dated Danny for what, a month.  But that was a fling, he was a guy who didn't even come close to being Aaron in any way.  There wasn't a spark, I could not see myself loving him.  And then I see Aaron in all these pictures on facebook.

He is happy.  He has friends.  I am happy that he is happy, but I hate that she could get him that happy and I couldn't.  I hate that I am finding myself missing him.  I hate that I feel this way.  But I am also feeling some form of acceptance.  I part of me was hanging onto the hope that we would end up back together somewhere down the line.  Once he figured out what he wanted from life and I was finally able to let go and give him my soul again.  I see that now.  I see that a lot of our problems were because of maturity and circumstance.  I pulled away and so did he.  I just feel like I lost my future all over again.

So I am doing this to go back in the years to come and comment on them.  To tell my younger self what I learned.  I just got done with all the real and live journals.  Now onto starting anew.