Glorious Rays of Sunshine!

I did it!  I just got back my last paper for developmental and I got a B!  I never thought that I would be so happy over a B.  But then again I have never been so horrible in a class before.  So I am doing better with this whole class, and knowing that I am going to be fine in it and that December 20th is just around the corner.

On a happier note, I am going to try and get a job at New River in Wilkes for my 8 month stint at home.  It will be a hell of a lot better than retail, and somewhat connected to my intended life.  I will be a case worker, which could be extremely emotionally draining, but that will be a good thing too.  I need to toughen my skin and know that I can handle all of this.  And I am excited about my future, the one that I am working to get to.  It is a nice feeling to know that I am in control of my life.  

WTF??

So, I was given permission to rewrite a paper for developmental, which I did.  I took it to the writing center, and got very little help, but added to my paper and what not, added discussion and clarified things.  And then I get my new grade today.

IT IS THE FUCKING SAME!!  What the HELL!

I was not expecting an A or anything, but damn, I turned a better paper in.  I did everything she told me to do and the writing center and I get nothing.  She said I could go and talk to her, but I know that if I do emotions will get in my way.  I get so angry when I think about that class, and anger makes me cry.  I am not good at expressing my anger, so it breaks lose in my tears.  I am not feeling sad or depressed about all of this like I was last week.  Now I am seething, boiling with anger.  I will probably go and talk to her since I don't know what she wants and neither did the nice man at the writing center.  So now I have to suck up my emotions and try not to cry and make myself talk because I tend to shut up when angry.  I am either silent or crying, odd little mixture I have here.  

I have been in brutal critics.  Crits were I cried in my studio space after.  Crits where I lost all confidence in my art and myself.  Hell, I even had a crit right after my show with a visiting artist that told me "The sculpture was too much for you to handle and the puzzle pieces do not clarify your idea, only confuse due to the lack of control."  I cried in my space for a while after that one.  But they were always something that I KNEW I could improve on.  Even asshole-artist-guy made some points.  Just not many that I agreed with, he just did not get my work.  I could improve my craftsmanship, but my ideas are sound.  Sure it made me feel useless, but I never doubted that it would make my work better.  But with this... I don't care if I get better, I just want to get a C.  I cannot have a fucking D on my record.  I am not a perfectionist, I gave up on straight A a long time ago, but this fucking class is the blight of my college career.

I am just going to have to suck it up and talk to the bitch.  And stop thinking of her as a bitch and thinking that she is a stupid-anal-A-type who knows jack shit about people over the age of 8.  I am just going to have to think positive about this.  That I need to do this to make me better.

-inhale, exhale- I can do this.

Warning: Slightly emo rant.

I have not written in a while, mostly because I am living on auto-pilot these days.  I have a set routine for everyday, I go to class, do work on campus, maybe go out to eat with the girls, and then more class, then home and get up and do it again.  If it is a Friday, Saturday or Sunday, it is dreading going to work, then going to work and returning home exhausted and sleeping.  I am just going through the motions of this life.  And I hate it.

I hate that every Monday I dread going to Developmental Psychology because it puts me in a shitty mood the rest of the day.  All I can think about in that fucking class is how much I hate it and don't want to be there.  Oh, and how I am an utter failure in that class.  I have never struggled like this in a class before.  I have never had to work for a fucking C, not even an A, but a C.  What the hell happened to me?  Where did that good student go?  I used to breeze through papers and tests and I was fine.  But in this class, I fail.  

The fact that I am struggling in this class makes me doubt my wanting to go to grad school.  I mean if I can't make it as a college senior what hope do I in grad school.  If I was going for studio art, no big deal, I thrive in that, but this, writing papers and talking in classes, not my strong suits.  But I want this life.  I want to be an art therapist.  I want to show people how to save themselves with art.  I want art to save someone the way that it did me.  It saved me every minute of my life in high school and college.  And the thought of not having those studio classes everyday scares the shit out of me.

I made a promise to myself last week that I would be a good student again.  That I would not skip anymore classes, and what did I do today?  Skipped two classes.  My developmental teacher sent an email saying that we were going to watch a movie and that she would not be there.  So what the hell makes her think that I am going to be there?  I can watch the movie at home and take notes on it for the test.  And then I got to sleep late.  Then 4 o'clock rolled around and Jeremy was over, so I did not go.  I am not worried about missing the second class, I have an A+ in that class.  But it is the fact that I missed developmental...... again.  

All of the above ranting comes down to this one thing.  I am losing myself.  I am losing my free spirit to the hell of corporate America every weekend and to writing logical precise papers every week.  I lost my spark somewhere.  I lost the fire.  I lost my art.  I spend maybe 8 hours a week in studio.  That is not enough.  I was spending every waking second doing or thinking about my art, and now my mind rests on papers about childhood memory.  I am losing myself to the motions.  

But I am going to get it back.  I am going to be the person that loves school.  I am going to ace my next developmental exam and paper.  I am going to spend more time in the studio.  I am going to find my spark again.  I know that it is hidden in my art.  I know that it is there waiting for me to find it again.  And I know that I will, because if I don't I will lose the point to this life.