She made it Home

I am trying not to hate this house. She was what made it even a little bit of a home. Everywhere I look I see her. The way she would curl up on the couch next to me. Losing her balls under the chair, flipping her nose under the blanket to crawl into the warmth found next to me. The warmth I found next to her. I was doing better, I really was, but now that I am back here, back in this house.... I can't stop the tears. It wasn't even seeing her toys, it is everything about the house. I see her. A part of me just thinks that is upstairs, just around the corner. I still feel her next to me at night. Her black and white body fitting neatly at the crook of my knee, or pressed beside me with her head on my arm. Having River helps, but River is not Gabby. She will never BE Gabby. It just still hurts.

She saved me here. Saved me from feeling totally alone. She was the constant in my life. no matter where I went in the last 3 years she came. She was there for me for Aaron, for Bella and most importantly for the isolation I have felt going to school. Overall I am better, overall I know that River will be a wonderful dog, but walking through that front door without her brought it all back. I... I just... I don't know anymore. I just want her back.

I wish that I had gone to look for her that night, that I had trained her to my parents' invisible fence, that she had been smart enough to come home and not get lost, smart enough to have not gotten hit. I want her to magically return from the dead. To come running to me like nothing had happened, that I hadn't found her on the side of the road. I know that I am rambling. I just still miss her. Even the things that drove me crazy I miss.