Saving the World, and myself

I can't sleep right now.  I went to bed at 12 and slept for a few hours, but then I woke up and life took a weigh in and I am awake.  I can't sleep due to the over whelming problems of money and what I am going to when I graduate.  

I know what I want to do, but I feel that I staring into dark abyss of the unknown.  I never knew how much I relied on my parents money as a back up to my wayward life.  I am an artist, a career choice I made thinking that I would always have my parents to help me.  Now that I know that it is all on me, I am doubting everything.  Can I make a living as an art therapist in this economic state.  I am going to be in a career that is not a necessity in life, and I have to put myself in major debt to do it.  I know that I want this, that I want to help people, I want my art knowledge to enrich others life.  But I am feeling at a loss to be able to do.

I know that a part of this is simply because I am feeling sorry for myself, that I am just wallowing in the unknown of my future.  But i can't help it. I cant make it stop.  It consumes my every thought, except when I am in the studio.  My art has always been an escape, a way to make myself feel better.  I finally understand what Kristen meant.  I knew what she meant when she said Mark was her escape, but I never felt that way about anything.  But before, my art was all consuming, I did not have the time to think about my life without it.  

The next 2-5 years will solely be art therapy, not studio related.  That scares me.  Writing papers and reading texts is all that my life will be.  When will I have the time to do art when I have three papers to write, 100 pages to read and a job so that I can live.  Do I really have the strength to do this?  Am I really good enough.  The critic that I had at the end of last semester surly said no.  I do believe that I can do this, damn it I can do this.  I work 20+ hours a week and still maintain my GPA.  And if that means that my art life gets reduced to my studio, so be it.  And later my art life will be reduced to simply drawing at night, so be it.  It will still be a part of me right?  

I am nervous about the fact that I need spiritual growth, but I recently realized that my art is my religion.  I have never felt more myself as when I am drawing.  It was never casting, or painting, always drawing.  Always making my mark.  And the thing about drawing, it can go with me everywhere.

I already feel better about this.  It was a moment of weakness in the wee hours of the morning.  But I am still scared of the future.  But I can do it.  I did my senior show, and it was hard, but I did it.  I can do this and I will save the world.