My roommate moved in Friday. It is good to have someone else in this huge house, but it makes me miss Aly. When Gina was moving in all I could think about was what it was like to move in with Aly. Her waking me up by jumping on my bed, her door always being open, sitting on the couch with her. I am missing her a lot right now. She is the person that represents the life that I should be having. I miss coming home to someone who really loves and cares for me. I miss watching nerd TV with her, going to Wal-Mart at 2am for grocery shopping. I miss my life in Asheville. I miss Asheville and everything that it means.
I am happy here though. I swear. But it does feel like a prison sentence, an obstacle to overcome. But it will be worth it, I would not be here otherwise. I know that I am getting what I need here to help people, to give back something. I am just tired of waiting to get to 30, when I will be in a career that I love, in a place that is home. I lived my entire life working to get there, to the stability, to being balanced and happy. I know that I need to stop living in the future and live in the now. But I am doing this to get to the future, not the now.
I will get there one day though. And that keeps me going in the cold north.
DUDE I totally get that sentence "I am doing this to get to the future not to the now" or whatever it was... SOOOO true. I feel the same. I so easily want to live in the future and not in the now... but god it is all so important.
ReplyDeleteyou are brilliantly creative, and sensitive and independent. you are a soul to be reckoned with. hold tight home girl, hold tight. i am in it with you... even if i am a state over.
:)
LOVE
Livvie, I so feel you on this one. Sometimes I wonder if all of this work is really worth it. I hope it is. I know it is. I'm just so damn tired... and lonely. I keep thinking that once May comes, it will all make sense. My life will finally start. Provided I get a job of course. If I didn't have to stay in North Carolina to get licensed, you bet your sweet ass I'd move up to PA to be with you until you graduate. I miss my Livvie so much. I still watch nerd TV, but it's not the same. I just end up falling asleep. Oh, wait. I do that when you're here too! But I have no one to have inane half asleep conversations with anymore. Buh. Also, Wal-Mart at 2 AM is nowhere near as exciting without you there.
ReplyDeleteOnly one more week... one more week. God, I miss you.
I think I need to start going to Co-Dependants anonymous! Oh, wait--I have no time! I guess I'll put that off until May as well.
(also, the word verification to post this comment is "croter".. when I first read it, I read "cooter". I thought that was worth a laugh.
Oh, baby, oh, baby. I so remember feeling that way when I did my sentence in G'boro while in DH school. I came home like every weekend. My life was here, not there. Looking back, I wish I had made more of an effort to establish ties with my schoolmates. I know it's hard, honey. I remember going to Suzy's in Rock Hill a lot too on the weekends. I so distinctly remember I'd do this complete fantasy daydreaming while driving there and back, visualizing myself out of school, living away from my mama, on my own, working fulltime and making lots of money--and knew I was just going to be so happy! But I was like you, living in the future and not the present.
ReplyDeleteSo what do ya do? What would help you be more attached to PA?
I love you, baby girl!
Thanks for all that yall! It is getting better, but it is not the same.
ReplyDeleteOh trevor! You are so amazingly talented. Broadway has no idea what is in store when you hit that stage! You will do amazing things!!!!
Aly, how many times do I have to tell you that we are only slightly co-dependent!??!!! I think that our dependency on each other is perfectly fine. I miss you too! Leaving last week was hard, knowing what I am coming back to. But knowing that you are still there makes it better.
Mama, you have no idea how much I daydream about my future. The life that I want. I just have to keep telling myself that it is worth it, that these trying times will make me better, stronger. I just need to start living more in the now, try to make the things I want happen.