Richard Corey....

Emotions have been running high, constantly changing and leaving me exhausted.  My family has been in crisis mode since Wednesday.  That is a long time to be on edge.  Our house seems to have a revolving door for the mass congregation of family that has cloistered under our roof.  It is leaving me with the excitment of being around them, I do honestly enjoy spending time with my extended intimate family, but then the reason for the sudden influx of family surfaces in my mind.  It happens suddenly, the catalysts being a look in his eyes, a quiver in a voice, or a seemlying innocent comment on his part.  

The thing is, I get it.  I completely understand.  the all consuming pain, feeling like there is not way out of a sinking hole.  But I will never forget the shake in my knees as we rode to his house.  My voice was lost in my throat as my feet took me to the door behind my dad.  What will I find in there?  I wanted to turn and run, to hide behind my father and let him deal with it.  I felt like a little girl, wanting her father to protect me from the pain that might be lurking inside.  I could not handle what might have been behind that door.  But there he was, blood still pumping, watching Star Trek.  My heart stopped, I just followed my dad's lead, sat across from his cluttered dinner room table.  I could not look at him, I knew that I would see death staring back at me.  I would see a blank stare where hope was gone.  And I could not handle that.

I love him, and although mom says I have the patient of a saint, it comes reletively easy with him.  And to she him that weak, that... helpless, it shook me.  Body racking sobs from a grown man.  

YES!!!

I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL!!!

I got into grad school, I got into grad school.  Pennsylvania here I come.  Now I just have to found out how much financial aid is going to give me and do the discount essay.

Thanks to Kris10, I am sure that is was her editing that got me in.  YAY, I am leaving Wilkes!!! 

And Away it Goes!

So, I did it today.  I sent in everything needed for grad school.  The application, a 10 page art paper, my portfolio, resume, and transcripts.  (Thanks for all the editing Kris10!!!)  It is all on it's way, zipping through the mail services to PA.  I still have an essay to write, one of those bullshit ones:  Who would I invite to dinner and why things.  It will not determine anything to do with acceptance, but it will give me a discount.  A much needed discount since this is all on me.

I am not worried necessarily, just anxious about the road ahead.  Grad school is going to be hard, I know this.  Once I get in I will need to find a place to live, and then move.  God I hate moving!  Granted some of my stuff has remained in boxes from the last move from Asheville to Wilkes, but I will still have to get all of my crap to PA.  But I am getting ahead of myself.  The first step is that acceptance letter, and then loans.  Yay! for being in debt!

Wilkes is the same- small and boring.  Still no job, so I will be working with my Dad in April.  Building cabinets somewhere.  I am looking foreword to spending that time with him, and the money will be pretty good.  But that's it. 

I have decided to brake up the monotony of my school-less life with making myself think that I am doing a show.  And since for every show you have to have a theme, I am starting to try and think through some of the stuff floating around in my head.  It is harder working here, no friends to suffer through modeling, no teachers breathing down my neck, so it will probably be some kind of self-exploration/ self-portrait kind of thing.  We shall see!  So expect some writings on that.  It helps with my process to write about it, and this is a blog.

Here's to inspiration!

On the Road Again

I am a little tired of driving.  But it was worth it to learn that I am pretty much in Grad school.  But I am still not going to count my chickens before they hatch.  As Meg said, I am worrying so that I don't have to worry.  

I am in Pennsylvania right now, staying with a much missed Kristen.  Tomorrow we are vegging together, not that I have anything to veg about, but it was what we do and I miss it.  Will do a better update soon.  Sorry that I have been so MIA lately, but nothing has really changed.  This trip will get better attention later.  

No sleep for the wicked

My Dear Navigator and Samitch Maker, (And whoever else, but mostly them)

I can't sleep for whatever reason.  My schedule lately has been staying up until 2 am and sleeping until noon, but tonight, well morning, I can't seem to go to sleep.  And it is because I have been scheming lately.  My brain just cannot let this idea go.  My body is dying for another adventure.  I have been thinking about this since I was in Asheville last week and Aly made an assumed innocent comment.  Little did she know that she was planting a seed of evilness.

I WANT ANOTHER ROAD-TRIP!!!!  And this is how my brain thinks that it will happen.

I know that my wonderful Dad will let us take Bessie/TT/Gert, that will not be a problem, it will be the gas money.  The last trip took a pretty huge penny, and I know that Dad would love to give us that experience again, but I also know that he can't.  So here is my proposal:

START SAVING NOW LADIES!!!

I think that if we actually fully plan this, it can happen.  Ideally it would be nice to come up with, please don't panic over this number, 2,000 between the three of us.  That is 666.67 per person which is like 200 a month if we go in May, which could be manageable right?  Or is Wilkes-by-God county just getting to me?  Is it making me think that the impossible is possible?  Giving me delusions-of-boredom so that I think we can have another adventure?  Because that nice figure above is just for the gas, not the food, truck stop showers or the zillion sweatshirts, just gas.  But if I can approach Dad with a sum that we can give he might give the rest.  We just have to be able to give him something to make it happen again.  He can't foot the whole, or even most, of the bill this time.  I really want this again.  This one will be planned out better, knowing where we need to get to each day and all that jazz.  (Oh, and I will be more lenient with my music selection.  Promise.  No RENT (musicals of any sort actually) or Aquabats.  

I know that I am asking a lot, but come on girls, it was the trip of a lifetime last time, and this one will be even better.  I know that Aly has summer school, and I am not sure about Kris10, but this could be 100 times better.  We could film this one, we now know all the aches and pain of Bessie/TT/Gert and what to do if the sink breaks.  I know to watch the curbs better to not get another flat (But what is road-trip without a flat?).  We could actually do this.  Let me know what ya think.  I will be calling, don't you worry.  Just setting the spark first.  

And seriously, no musicals... except for maybe some Buffy....

No big deal

So, one of my dear friends found it hilirous that I am horrified of going to Wal-Mart (And Yes I do mean YOU, TREVOR ASHTON WORDEN).  But I have to admit that it is a little on the funny side of life.  But it is not JUST Aaron that I don't want to see.  I don't want to run into people that I went to highschool with.  I don't want to see that look of pity that I am back in this little town.  

When I see them, and we go through the motions of pretending to care, all I want to do is shout that I am a college graduate, that I am going to grad school, that I am not stuck back in Wilkes-by-God county.  I am here by choice, I am here to step back from school for 6 more months until I go off to grad school.  And the thing that pisses me off, is that it is shallow of me to be concerned with what they think.  I am working on this little fear and vanity, but it is not coming easy.  My stomach drops when I walk into Wal-mart, the social highlight of my life now.  But you know what?  I will be the hell out of this town soon.  No big deal.

Take a deep breath, it will be fine.  So what if you have not talked to him since June?  No big deal, right.  The door open to reveal the bare carpet and a line at costemer service.  In and out.  No big deal.  I just want a book.  Just one thing and then I will get the hell out of Wal-Mart and it will be fine.